OF CAPTAINS, CATS AND COFFEE
by deetatarant
Summary: Splat comes to the Hub. WARNING: Not for dog lovers! Hehe.


**FOUR PAWS AND A PACKET OF BISCUITS**

To say that Ianto was mortified would be a massive understatement. The young Welshman had been devastated, so much so that Jack was worried enough to allow him to bring the thing into the Hub. It wasn't that Jack minded cats, he'd just about tolerated Estelle's cat clawing at his legs that one time until he had glared at it and it shot under her sofa. He just didn't like them near him, or in his SUV, or curled up on his lover's lap, or getting all of his lover's attention. How come he never got THAT kind of attention?

So best rewind a bit here.....They had been driving at Jack speed through the back streets of Cardiff at 2am on the morning of Christmas Eve after a particularly unsuccessful weevil hunt. Jack naturally was at the wheel with Ianto riding shot gun and Gwen in the back. Jack had swerved at well.... what could only be considered a reasonable speed of nearly 40mph round a tight corner and something bumped against the front of the vehicle on Ianto's side. Jack slammed on the breaks. Ianto was half expecting the air bags to activate given how hard he was flung against his seatbelt and unclipping it he got out of the SUV to check the damage. The SUV was undamaged but as he was about to get back into it some movement by the pavement a few yards away caught his attention.

It was a cat dragging itself along by the claws of its front feet. Ianto ran to its side and pulling off his coat he carefully picked it up and bundled it up in the expensive wool silk blend and carried it back to the SUV. He yanked open his door and glared at Jack.

"You hit a cat!"

Gwen was immediately leaning forward to see as Ianto lay his burden on the front passenger seat.

"Oh, no. The poor thing. Is it badly hurt?"

Pathetic mewling issued from the folds of the coat and a little tabby face peeked out with wide, frightened eyes.

Jack shivered. "I've got a gun, lets just put it out of its misery!"

"Jack!" Gwen and Ianto protested in unison.

"We'll have to find a vet." Gwen said.

Ianto nodded in agreement. "Not likely to be one available now though."

Jack arched his eyebrows. "Aren't you supposed to put animals in pain down?" He asked hopefully.

Ianto threw him a glare. "Jack Harkness this poor creature is not going to be put down by anything other than a vet and only as a last resort!"

Ianto carefully lifted the bundle and sat down positioning the cat in his coat on his lap and refastening his seatbelt. Now it was Jack's turn to glare.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"We'll take it to the Hub and Owen can check him over." Ianto responded. Gwen was nodding her approval from the back.

Jack was gaping at him. "You can't have that in the Hub!"

"It's hardly a security risk, what Jack, scared of the iddy biddy kitty?" Ianto's glare did not soften in the slightest. "You ran him over. If you'd keep to the speed limit once in a while..."

Gwen was snickering behind them.

Jack flung his arms up in defence.

"Right fine....OK." He started up the engine and shivered at the sight of those almond eyes looking up at him from Ianto's lap, somewhere that creature had no right to be. Ianto was gently fussing it's chin and rubbing it's ears. Jack was convinced it was watching him the rest of the way back.

"I'm Doctor Harper not Doctor fucking Doolittle!"

Owen actually screamed and Tosh thought it sounded rather girly, but she kept quiet as she looked at the little striped cat now laying on the autopsy table still on Ianto's coat. It eyed her shrewdly and Tosh was certain that it could read her mind. She rubbed it's ears anyway and smiled because of the sheer terror it had instilled in her 'fearsome' leader. Jack was still hiding in his office.

"Owen please!" Gwen tried her massive puppy eyes and eyelash flutters.

"No!" Owen stomped out of the autopsy bay.

Ianto was getting worried, the little cat was obviously shivering and looking very forlorn. Gwen had used all the charm in her armoury and to give her her due she'd tried her best and Ianto was impressed with her efforts. It was time to resort to terrorist tactics and leaving Tosh to fuss the kitty ears Ianto followed close on Owen's heel and whispered the words that instilled horror in all of his colleagues.

"De caf!"

Owen froze mid tirade and swung round narrowing his eyes at Ianto.

"You wouldn't?"

Ianto nodded and plastered THAT smile across his young face, the one that normally only Jack got to see and Owen shivered.

Owen heaved out a sigh. "Fine. I want coffee, good coffee, that nice Kenyan stuff and biscuits, chocolate ones not the nasty Tesco Value jobbies either, proper biscuits with real chocolate on them." Owen stuck out his hand. "We have deal?"

Ianto accepted it. "On the condition you don't do a sneaky and put the cat down whilst my back is turned!"

"Done."

Jack watched all the exchanges from the safe confines of his office, he'd heard the word coffee though and he was reminded just how little of his lover's attention he'd had that particular night. Cautiously he edged open the door, making sure that there was not enough room for a cat to sneak in through the gap.

"Ianto!"

Ianto waved at him and smiled.

"Coffee!" Jack yelled then slammed the door shut.

Gwen joined Tosh and Owen in the autopsy bay to oversee the cat therapy and Ianto headed to the coffee machine thinking that maybe Jack was just a bit annoyed with him. Tough. Ianto liked cats and was very upset by the fact that Jack had wanted to shoot it.

Jack was most put out when Ianto served him Decaf coffee twenty minutes later. Owen was delighted with his Kenyan brew and chocolately treats and 'Splat' the cat (He'd been hit in Sploe) was purring away in Ianto's coat with his new plaster cast on his back leg on Ianto's lap, again. Jack glared at it through the window of his office as he watched his colleagues go home. Owen, Tosh and Gwen all stopping by the little feline in order to give him some fuss on the way out. Ianto sat there contentedly rubbing the silky ears when Jack finally plucked up the courage to venture out of his office.

"He's quite harmless Jack. I didn't know you had a cat phobia." Ianto commented smiling at him.

Jack sat at Tosh's desk. "I don't. It's just cats don't like me, they get their claws out and they have funny eyes."

Splat settled himself down to sleep licking the end of his nose and nuzzling it down under his front paws. Ianto patted the space beside him on the couch.

"Come, sit down Cariad."

Jack smiled at the endearment but didn't move. "No, I think I am fine right here, thank you."

Ianto shrugged. "Suit yourself, though you don't know what you're missing."

"I can see exactly what I am missing. That cat is sitting right where I should be, having things done to its ears that you'd normally reserve for other more sensitive parts of my anatomy."

Ianto smirked at the thought. "If you go into the tourist office there is cage in the backroom. If you bring it down I can put Splat inside it and tomorrow I'll take him to the RSPCA, hopefully someone will come and claim him."

Jack shifted slightly to get a better look. It did look kind of cute. "And if they don't?"

"I don't know. I guess he'll get put down anyway." Ianto said very sadly.

Jack was frowning. "Really?"

Ianto nodded.

"That's not very nice."

Ianto couldn't agree more.

Jack edged off the seat a little further. "He's really not that bad...." He conceded. "For a cat."

"No he isn't. Just think of it like.....well like the way I think of you."

Jack's face lit up. "Well?"

"Demanding, always hungry for food, attention and fuss, sees himself as the boss, thinks he's better looking than he is and always wears the same coat!"


End file.
